Some people want you to think the world will fall apart once Britain leaves the EU. Medicine shortages, labour shortages, and of course food shortages are all claimed to be just over the horizon.

But that’s just nonsense. As this book will show you, there’ll be plenty to eat and, best of all, most of it can be found right on your own doorstep! With a little creativity and some good old-fashioned gumption, anyone can eat well on a budget post-Brexit! Here are just some of the delicious meals we’ll be eating.

Roast Cat with Moss

If you’re fast enough, the next-door neighbour’s cat can make an excellent Sunday lunch. By being smart with your seasoning and portion size, little Fluffy can be stretched to a full family dinner, plus soup, before the neighbours notice she’s gone.

Forager’s Delight

A great way to make the most of the bounty of British nature! Even in a small suburban garden, many plants can be scavenged to make light and nutritious salads. Eagle-eyed foragers might even find some mushrooms – most in the UK aren’t technically lethal, so go ahead and eat as many as you can before another enterprising chef spots them.

Decadent Memories

Add some fancy flair to dessert by sniffing the inside of a Snickers wrapper. Let it evoke the vague memory of what chocolate used to taste like.

Nutrient Bar Surprise

A great way to spice up your usual government-issued nutrient ration blocks. By carefully removing the flavour labels and mashing two together in a bowl, you can create an exciting medley of taste sensations! Potato and apple? Orange and cabbage? Meat Flavour #415 and sardine? The possibilities are endless!

Ocean Soup

Thanks to the abolition of pesky European environmental protection laws, Britain’s coastline is a veritable cornucopia of nondescript yet nourishing matter. Just take a ladle down to your nearest beach and fill a bowl! Can be filtered to taste, or left as-is if you enjoy your soup extra chunky. Not suitable for swimming. Do not inhale.

Ludicrously Curvy Banana Split

Remember when we weren’t allowed to eat these? Thumb your nose at those Brussels bureaucrats by chowing down on an absurdly shaped yellow fruit.

Bin Banquet

For those fortunate enough to live near the more affluent neighbourhoods of Britain, this dish can be a real treat. Although tricky to get hold of, the bins of wealthy citizens can provide a feast of long-absent ingredients for the cunning chef to get their hands on. Chicken bones! A slice of leftover pizza! Half a tub of Greek-style yogurt! What delights will you find?

Soil

Lady Britannia will provide! Packed with enriching minerals, some of which could be fit for human consumption.

Parkland Plate

Britain’s parks are full of tasty opportunities for the enterprising chef to seize on. Pigeons and ducks both make excellent nuggets, and are relatively easy to catch due to years of being fed by humans in friendlier times. Use a sturdy branch or cricket bat to bludgeon one when it isn’t looking, bag it up, and enjoy surviving for another week.

Caution: do not interfere with swans. Swans are property of Her Majesty and any interference will be met with severe punishment in the district stocks and/or banishment to beyond the safety of the wall.

Neighbour’s Stuff

Neighbour didn’t lock their door? Convenient stone left close to an unbarred window? Opportunity calls!

Help yourself to unguarded food and medicine for a lavish one-off banquet. Popular hiding spots include lofts and cellars, beneath heavy furniture, and locked safes. If they have fire, remember to take that too. Whoever controls the fire controls the food.

Puck a l’Orange

A contemporary twist on an old classic. Oranges might be long gone, but a standard hockey puck can be sprayed with perfume or furniture polish to achieve a similar flavour, and then charred crispy on a spit over a burning bin.

Graveyard Gateau

Graveyards are an excellent source of free meat and/or bones for use in stocks and stews. Remember to only exhume fresh graves to ensure the best flavour.